Self-Help Information: Grief & Loss
What is Grief?
Grief is a normal and natural response to loss.
When you love someone, you inevitably experience pain and
grief when that love is lost. Grief is experienced in all major
aspects of your life, impacting your thoughts and feelings, your
behavior with others, and your physical health. Grief is an ongoing
process with many changes over time. It is different and unique for
each individual, for each type of loss, and at each point in the
grief process. In addition, many different types of loss can trigger
grief. Though you may expect to grieve the death of a family member
or close friend, other significant losses such as a divorce or
breakup of a relationship, moving to a new location, or the death of
a pet may also need to be grieved.
How do we Grieve?
"You should be strong." "You have to get on
with your life." "Don’t wallow in self-pity." These common but
inappropriate responses to grief reflect the fact that our society
has not taught people how to grieve well and, as a result, many of
us don’t appreciate the reason for grieving and the process of
grieving. When we lose a significant relationship, we must go
through a process of adapting to that loss. Therese Rando, in the
book How to Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies, discusses how
grief work is necessary to enable you to move beyond the loss and
make the changes required to accommodate the loss. "The purpose of
grief and mourning is to get to the point where you can live with
the loss healthily, after having made the necessary changes to do
so."
Grief is an ongoing process. A common myth
concerning grief is that there are a series of stages that everyone
goes through in a particular order. While this is not true, there
are main categories of responses that most people experience. These
tasks or phases of mourning are fluid and experienced differently by
different people and with different types of losses.
"This can’t be true." The first
reaction many people have, particularly to a sudden death,
is a sense of shock accompanied by denial and disbelief. It
is common to hope that, somehow, this is a terrible mistake
and the person is not really dead.
Accepting the reality of the loss and
experiencing all the pain and other feelings that accompany
it is a second task of grief. Rando terms this the
"Confrontation" phase. Although you may want to avoid these
intense, painful, feelings, you need to experience them to
move on with the grief work.
A third task involves adjusting to
life without the person and investing emotional energy into
other relationships. Termed the "Accommodation" phase by
Rando, a gradual decline of grief is experienced during this
time. You begin to be able to enjoy other relationships
again and begin to feel more like your old self. You begin
to establish a relationship with the deceased that has a
special feeling, but allows you to go forward and form new
relationships with others.
Although we generally progress through these
tasks, most people tend to move back and forth between them at
different times. All of these tasks or phases vary in intensity,
length of time, and individual experience. Your experience will not
be the same as another’s.
Common Reactions to Loss
Denial, shock, numbness.
Fear and anxiety – "How can I go on?"
"Can I survive this terrible pain?"
Sadness and depression – feelings of
loneliness, isolation, hopelessness, self-pity.
Sorrow, pain and longing.
Anger – "How could she do this to me?"
"How could God let this happen?"
Guilt – "I should have been more
caring." "I should have told her I loved her." "My life is
going on and his isn’t."
Confusion and lack of concentration.
Grief spasms – intense periods of
emotional release, usually with a lot of crying.
Search for meaning.
Withdrawal from social relationships.
Physical symptoms – decreased
appetite, energy, motivation; difficulty sleeping; weight
loss or gain; lethargy; chest pain, pressure, or discomfort;
feeling that something is stuck in your throat and many
other physical sensations. You also may be more vulnerable
to physical illness.
What Can I do to Help the Grief Process
Specific suggestions for resolving your grief
(adapted from Rando):
Give yourself permission to feel your
loss and to grieve over it.
Accept social support and tell others
what you need – find others you can talk to.
Be realistic in your expectations of
yourself as a griever – give yourself some slack. Don’t
expect yourself to perform at peak capacity while you are
grieving.
Take care of yourself – allow yourself
time to do special things for yourself.
Give some form of expression to all
your feelings.
Participate in social and cultural
rituals – funerals, personal rituals, etc.
Be patient – take whatever time you
need. Don’t give yourself a deadline to be "over it".
Allow yourself to have good times and
enjoy yourself without guilt.
Maintain contact with others who have
experienced the same loss. If you are a college student away
from home and have lost a family member, keep in close
contact with those at home experiencing the same loss.
Talk to a professional or your clergy.
How Can I Help Someone Who is Grieving?
Be active. Don’t wait for the grieving
person to contact you. Make a call, send a card, and help
with practical matters. Don’t avoid others who are grieving
because it feels uncomfortable – it can mean a lot to show a
gesture of caring.
Listen. Give him or her a chance to
talk about whatever thoughts or feelings are on his/her
mind. Try to be accepting and non-judgmental.
Don’t minimize the loss. Avoid clichés
like "They lived a good life."
Allow the person to grieve as long as
he/she needs to. Don’t place your expectations on him/her.
Take time for yourself.
Recommended Books to Read
-
How to Go on Living When Someone You Love
Dies. Therese A. Rando, Ph.D., 1988.
-
The Grief Recovery Handbook: A Step-by-Step
Program for Moving Beyond Loss. John W.James & Frank Cherry, 1988.
-
Good Grief Rituals: Tools for Healing. Elaine
Childs-Gowell, ARNP, Ph.D., 1992.
-
Grief’s Courageous Journey: A Workbook. Sandi Caplan & Gordon Lang, 1995.
Need Additional Help?
Washington State University College of Veterinary Medicine
Counseling and Wellness Services offer free individual counseling for these
and related issues for veterinary students (WSU Veterinary Students ONLY).
For more information or to schedule an appointment call or e-mail:
Carolyn Wyatt PhD
ADBF 1035
335-0774
cwyatt@vetmed.wsu.edu
NOTE: The information contained in these self help
documents is not to be used as a substitute for professional care. Neither
the authors, Washington State University nor the College of Veterinary
Medicine assume liability for injury incurred by following the information
presented in these self-help documents
Last Edited: Mar 07, 2007 2:40 PM
