The Grieving Process
People are often surprised and concerned at how their grief impacts them.
Since there is not much grief training in our culture, we are not familiar
with what to expect to feel after experiencing a major loss.
It is important to understand that grieving is a holistic and pervasive
experience that impacts a person physically, mentally, emotionally and
spiritually. Don’t be afraid of your grief symptoms. They are merely a
testimony to the importance of the relationship that you have lost.
Be gentle with yourself as you go through these phases, as grief is nature’s
way of healing a wound. You will probably find that there are three fairly
distinct phases to your grieving:
1. Numbness: (also shock, denial, or a sense of unreality).
In this first phase, our minds slowly begin to adjust to the new reality
that we have lost a loved one. Because this is such a difficult time,
thinking about or experiencing the grief constantly would be too painful.
So, we vacillate between knowing and not knowing, or believing and not
believing that the loss has happened and is a reality. Give yourself time to
come to terms with the loss. It can last from hours to several weeks.
2. Disorganization: This is a time of personal chaos, as we
try to adjust to the world without our lost loved-one. During this phase, we
are intensely aware of the reality of the loss, but would do almost anything
to escape it. Strong emotion and exhaustion permeate this time and grievers
find it difficult to participate in many of their normal activities. The
experiences of anger, extreme sadness, depression, despair and jealousy of
other’s who haven’t experienced such a loss are all a normal part of
grieving. It is during this time that a person slowly understands all the
implications of the loss, and figures out how to live again. This experience
may last from days to a year or more.
3. Reorganization: (also recovery, reconciliation and
acceptance). The disorganized, disrupted time a person experiences slowly
finds a new balance point. The grief process slowly progresses and the
person in mourning becomes aware that the physical signs of grief are fading
and that the exhaustion isn’t as profound. Although the pain of the loss
remains, the unbearably quality of it begins to lift. Hope returns. Life
seems possible again.
These are the stages of grieving and mourning. It is important to know
that everyone's experience of grief is unique to them and their loss.
Following are some of the normal symptoms of grief that some people have
Normal Experiences During the Grief Process
- erratic appetite
- bargaining with, or anger at God
- feeling overwhelmed
- comparing the loss to other’s losses
- feeling drugged
- feeling disconnected from family or friends
- feeling like you’re "falling apart"
- feeling "crazy"
- disinterest in life
- feeling out of control
- distortions in time
- unwilling or incapable of making decisions
- easily distracted
- seems like nothing matters or has meaning
- embarrassment about feelings
- hallucinations or visions
- overwhelming panic that nothing will be the same again
- disturbed sleep patterns
- feeling of spinning around, but getting nowhere
Normal Signs of Grief
Because grief can be so painful, and seem overwhelming, it frightens us.
Many people worry if they are grieving in the "right" way, and wonder if the
feelings they have are normal.
Most people who suffer a loss experience one or more of the following:
- Feel tightness in the throat or heaviness in the chest.
- Have an empty feeling in their stomach and lose their appetite.
- Feel guilty at times, and angry at others.
- Feel restless and look for activity but find it difficult to
- Feel as though the loss isn't real, that it didn't actually happen.
- Sense the loved one's presence, like finding themselves expecting
the person (or pet) to walk in the door at the usual time, hearing their
voice (or bark), or seeing their face.
- Wander aimlessly and forget and don't finish things they have
started to do around the house.
- Have difficulty sleeping, and dream of their loved one frequently.
- Assume mannerisms or traits of their loved one.
- Experience an intense preoccupation with the life of the deceased.
- Feel guilty or angry over things that happened or didn't happen in
the relationship with the deceased.
- Feel intensely angry at the loved one for leaving them.
- Feel as though they need to take care of other people who seem
uncomfortable around them, by politely not talking about the feelings of
- Need to tell and retell and remember things about the loved one and
the experience of their death.
- Feel their mood changes over the slightest things.
- Cry at unexpected times.
These are all natural and normal grief responses.
See Supporting People who are Grieving
It is important to cry and talk with people when you need to.